So this weekend, Burger and I had to have the fart talk. That's a huge step in a relationship, possibly even bigger than the DTR (determining relationship talk).

We've been hanging out a lot on weekends lately, sometimes almost the entire weekend. I feel as though it's appropriate, as a lady, to hold in my farts until I'm in the bathroom or have an alone moment. But, I'm not always sure if they are going to be loud or not, and it's not very ladylike to let out a loud fart, even in a bathroom (he might hear!) so I just have to hold them in sometimes.

This past weekend, my stomach was hurting so bad from holding my farts in that I finally decided to have the fart talk. Actually, on Saturday, when he left for awhile to go home, I farted so loud that one of the kittens was actually scared. Too much buildup. So on Saturday night, I said, I have something to tell you, basically my stomach is hurting so bad from holding my farts in and I can't do it any longer. I think he was glad we had the fart talk because he's been holding in his farts too. Now my stomach will enjoy some freedom from gas buildup.

Once a few years ago, I asked my doctor if there was some kind of medicine he could give me for excessive farting. I thought that I farted a lot more than most people (except Brandy, she is the biggest farter ever). Then I read something on the internet that said most people fart 10 or more times a day. Wow, that makes me feel better, but where are these people farting at? There is also some special seat you can put on your chair and when you fart it absorbs the smell. I secretly thought about getting one but then everyone would ask what it was and then what is the point really? Sometimes I also fart in my sleep, and once in awhile it's so loud that it kinda wakes me up.

Jessica and I were at a wine tasting a month or so ago with Berger and Michael. We went to the bathroom (after tasting MANY different wines) and some older lady farted in the stall while we were on each side of her in the stalls. I tried to be mature and hold in my laughter (cause that happens sometimes, and I'm sure it's worse when you are old) but Jessica was giggling a little bit and I knew why but I waited til we were outside the bathroom. Then we were both laughing and being immature. I think the wine helped bring out the laughter, but it was funny regardless.

There isn't really a point to this blog, except that I hate holding in my farts, but I feel as though I have to because I'm a woman. But, I guess most guys hold in their farts around women, at least until they get to know them better.

Update

Just a quick update, nothing too exciting going on lately, here's what happening.

1. Homecoming was a blast, as usual. Heidi wasn't there, but I managed to have a great time. No strip club this year, no winery this year, and no playing the jukebox at Ragsdales this year, but that's ok. It was good time in Cape G.

2. The new winery in Linn Creek is pretty much ok...kinda expensive. The wine tasting at the Country Club Hotel last weekend was awesome, and free! I think I drank too much wine and it gave me drunk Alzheimers.

3. Things are going really well for me. I'm moving into the new house in a few weeks (yay!), the dating arena is awesome, and my job is awesome. I am working 2 nights a week at the Y and it pretty much sucks big time, but I'm giving it some time. Once I start doing more there, it won't be so lame.

4. I am getting 2 new kittens who currently live at my parent's house. Their names are Stanford and Bitsy Von Muffling. I'm not sure if they are boys or girls, but it doesn't matter.

5. I am obsessed with the game Clue. I bought it last weekend for a mere $10. What a bargain!

6. That's all for now, nothing super exciting. I'll update soon!

More famous sayings by friends or me

1. Good job, blow job.

2. Shut the helicopter door!

3. Please proceed to kiss my ass.

4. Didn't he get the point when I poisoned his drink the last time?

5. Jagerbomb, jagerbomb, asshole!

6. Maybe he hurt his vagina.

7. I miss you like a fat kid misses cake.

8. I miss you like Captain Fuzzy misses his chest razor.

9. Hey Melissa, remember last time when you got gas there?

10. Clark's last name either has to be Griswold or Kent, those are the only choices.

11. You should tell him to put this in his pipe and smoke it.

12. Look, a flying baby with a mustache.

13. Don't forget to roll the dice!

14. At least the girls in Columbia get enough to eat.

15. Is there going to be a plug-in for my fan somewhere close to the tent?

16. Maybe if I stopped drinking beer I would be skinny enough to wear shorts like that.

17. Do you think they make Crocs with velcro straps?

18. His credit card probably just says "Uncle Rico."

19. There was some sweatpants at Kmart that said "true love waits" and the reason it waits is because no one wants to have sex with someone who wears sweatpants from Kmart.

Heidi's famous sayings

Here are some of the best sayings by Heidi lately:

1. I'm just going to date really hot guys from now on, because they all end up being assholes anyway.

2. I can give BJs all day and it's not complicated!

3. How many innings in a baseball game? 11?

4. That was fun, Melissa. See I'm serious because I said your name.

5. I think it's because his robot dick malfunctioned.

6. I kissed a girl and I didn't like it.

7. Yeah, I'm pissed off, but it's nothing that 10 beers won't fix.

8. I thought it was Flat Bottom girls, like that's the name of the town they are from.

9. I just do whatever Melissa tells me to do.

10. At least they see a Buick and think it's 2 old ladies driving, little do they know it's two 28 year old girls.

11. Oh great, there are 3 people here and we just pulled up in a Buick listening to Destiny's Child. Let's just go in.

12. I took a crap in every state but Arkansas and I'm not taking a crap there.

13. I am not taking a picture of that bruise, I took one and I seriously thought it was a vagina.

Highlights from vacation in July

Not sure of the correct spelling...anyway, vacation highlights:

1. Our fridge at the most redneck hotel ever had a beer can holder and the sink had a bottle opener by the Kleenex. The good thing about the Comfort Inn is that you can walk everywhere and they don't care if you steal the luggage cart and drive it around drunk, even to the beach. They do lock the pool at nighttime, which is a good thing because they might have found a sunken luggage cart on Monday morning if not. Another good thing is the relaxing spot behind the pool by the bay where guys who like to wear Crocers or Croafers like to hang out too.

2. Drunk old ladies at the pool are obsessed with us. That's why we had to drink almost all of an 18 pack of Bud Light and a bottle of Malibu the first afternoon. Otherwise I might have drown myself from all the annoying people in Pensacola Beach. One drunk lady told me she was friends with John Mellencamp and that her friend got stung by a jellyfish...I won't mention where, but she told me all the details "What's up girlfriend?!?!" is the favorite phrase of drunk ladies from the pool.

3. Bamboo Willie's is pretty awesome, especially when we meet a guy named Rusty Clark Griswold and he buys us lots of beers and Alabama Slammers. His friend Casty/Ballz Deep will also request Journey to the band. We thought we got kicked out of the bar, but the door guys in Pensacola probably don't care about how stupid we were acting. You can also take your drinks out of the bar and walk around with them, no one even cares. But, it's ok to leave when Bamboo Willie's plays a shitty Jack Johnson cd on a Sunday night. Rusty Clark Griswold also likes to say "Those two are a couple of freaks" and "I'm a morning person" in a dirty South accent.

4. Don't go to McGuires when you are hungover. The smell of bean soup and the dark atmosphere will only make the hangover worse and then you will be forced to stay in bed all day and watch Grandma's Boy 1 1/2 times. "I hate your face." Watching Grandma's Boy is not such a bad thing though, but getting dizzy and sick anytime you move from the pit of despair is not a good thing. The commercial that plays every 5 minutes that makes the tv go crazy sucks too.

5. Everyone is drunk in Pensacola Beach. Some people just sit in their cars in a parking lot and drink beers. Some guys sit around and wait for sober girls who are enjoying their dinner to bother them. Some guys drive around and yell at girls from their trucks. Some go to Dominos while we are eating pizza and are so drunk they can barely walk. Maybe it was a good thing we avoided the beach on Saturday and instead laughed at Grandma's Boy.

6. Affliction shirts and short guys only go to Captain Fun's. You will not find either anywhere else in Pensacola Beach. The older people and rednecks go to Bamboo Willie's, even the Dancing Clapper and the lead singer of REO Speedwagon. Also, Alanis Morisette + REO Speedwagon = Aerosmith.

7. Sandshaker aka Saltshaker is the best bar in Pensacola and it was right next to our hotel. Heidi played Journey one night and everyone in the bar was singing along, it was great. We also met Mike, who gave us his son's phone number and told us that we could come stay at his house and drive his truck and ride his waverunner that goes 60 mph. He also likes Buicks and he loved us. One night we played lots of songs, even Journey like 5x. We also met some 21 yr old hippies and one was rubbing my head forever and wouldn't let me get more than a few inches away. We had to sneak to the bathroom and run out of the bar to get away from him. I had to scare away some gross old guy away from Heidi and he had on velcro shoes. Heidi's anthem at this place was "I kissed a girl, and I didn't like it." Good times at Sandshaker. Also, one night they had a bikini contest and the music was so loud, but we blamed it on our redneck neighbors until Heidi found out the truth.

8. Don't try to push the luggage cart/trolley into the sand. It won't go and you may have a bruise that resembles a vagina on your leg. It's a good idea to take it back so you can use it for its real purpose when you actually put luggage on it and don't try to push it over a curb like Heidi almost did.

9. Is Flat Bottom a real place? I think it is.

10. Gulf Shores has way too many jellyfish. The CEO of Jellyfish, INC was there checking out the situation, but I refuse to get in the water when like 10 jellyfish have been pulled out. No thanks. If you get one, all you have to do is bury it and put a stick in it. Getting a jellyfish tattoo in or around your vagina may or may not be a good idea, but saying "Do you wanna see my jellyfish" is pretty damn funny.

11. We pretty much put the B in Buick. Also, don't assume that because a Buick is going really slow late at night that there are old ladies in there. It might just be a couple of 28 yr old girls listening to Destiny's Child.

12. The touchscreen at Top of the Bay in Alabama is the most pornographic touchscreen ever. If you get the trivia questions right, this gross dude gets naked. The photo hunt was way more nasty than any I've ever seen.

13. The Buick is pretty comfortable even for a 10 hour trip. XM radio will play every Elton John song except Goodbye Yellow Brick Road. But we love when it plays Roxette.

14. Cape is kinda dead on a Tuesday night and the winery is closed. The Crackle/Big Blue Martini is now The Pony, we may have to find out more about that on Homecoming. The same little frat boys hang out in the bars and it reminds me that I'm glad I don't have to deal with that anymore. I kicked ass at Super MarioKart on the Wii though.

15. Arkansas or Mississippi really effed up our phones. They never worked right there and we had missed calls and missed texts because At&t sucks.

16. The bouncy bridge in Memphis makes your car like it has hydrolics, but I wouldn't want to go over it if I was sick.

17. Dick Moore Housing is really the name of a business somewhere along our trip. I hope it's not in the phone book as Moore, Dick.

18. Hellz yeah, hellz no, and roger that are the new best phrases ever.