Dear alcohol

Dear Alcohol.. First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My best friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect stress reliever, a cooldown on a hot summer day, and warmth in the cold winter months. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call certain douchebags when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night? Same goes with messages on myspace and text messages, please stop me.
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that Heidi and I eat 3 orders of cheese fries, 10 White Castle burgers, and 1 order of cheese sticks? Or if it's just me, why do I need a Mexican pizza and Nachos Bell Grande? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down and bang my elbows and knees on anything in sight. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Making my way to the bathroom seems to be hard to do sometimes too when I'm trapped in my closet.
4. Losing things. I lost my awesome feather boa (Leroy), my favorite cooler cup, some of my dignity and self-respect....and that's just in 1 night. I'm glad you helped me keep track of my phone and camera though, thank you for that.
5. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable! My entire day is shot. Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately.I will look for an answer no later than Friday on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
I love you,
Melissa